Ever since I was very little, I was a very goal-oriented person. I set the target and I achieved it. I created my bucket list and I checked it off. Happiness used to pop up very often whenever a goal was reached, and a box checked. The frequency of these little successes, with the cultural and societal affirmation and years of reinforcement, set up a fixed mindset for me that happiness equals to achieving your goals.
When I was 25, I created a great bucket list that I was very proud of: marrying my then-girlfriend, becoming a father, starting my own company, and making my first million dollars. I knew, with 120% certainty, that ever-lasting happiness will be mine to have if I achieve these goals.
When I turned 35, I checked all my bucket list. I have a loving wife and two kids. I was the founder of two successful startups. I made more money than I dreamed.
However, I was more unhappy than ever.
My anxiety and depression prompted me to go on a relentless search. I searched externally and internally. If I could find something wrong, I’ll be sure to fix it. If I could find something missing, I’ll be sure to get it.
My search went on for years, but to no avail.
Then it suddenly dawned on me, that there‘s nothing wrong, and there’s nothing missing. It is all because I have accepted from society a wrong definition of happiness. I’ve been chasing the wrong thing.
Our society defines happiness as the experience when you get to your destination. You feel happy when you score straight As at school, accepted into a prestigious college, get a promotion, a raise, a lot of money, etc. The hero beats the villain and marries the beauty, then they are happy, “ever after”.
Happiness is a feeling of “high”, a fleeting experience. By definition, it doesn’t last. You get it and you lose it. In fact, according to how our biology works, the high tanks to a low sooner or later, and then you want more. If you are into that feeling, you are never going to be content.
Are we supposed to never be content? Our society is sustained by discontentment, which pushes our consumerism economy forward. It doesn’t value contentment. The reality is that, as a culture, we are against contentment. Collectively, we are afraid that if we are content, we ain’t going to grow. If we have lasting satisfaction, we are never going to improve.
Are we able to break that cycle? Can we get off this happiness hamster wheel? Are we going to avoid becoming lazy and unproductive? Yes, yes and yes. Actually we would become the best version of ourselves.
I’m not saying that we don’t pursue happiness. Instead, a redefined happiness. Instead of fleeting excitement, we aim for lasting peace and joy. Instead of a singular outcome, we strike a holistic balance in approaching our work and life. Instead of obsessing with a tunnel-visioned goal, we establish a harmonic relationship with ourselves and the world.
Happiness is not a destination.
It is a journey.
And I invite you to join this journey.
