I rarely drink, and have never done drugs at all. I wouldn’t consider myself having been an addict in my life. Until recently.
In my master of counseling program, one of the core courses was abnormal psychology and psychopathology, in which we learned about diagnostics on various substance abuse and addiction related disorders. I was surprised to find striking similarities between these addictive pathologies and how I approach my professional life. As I reflect more on the way I perceive and pursue achievements at work, I came to realize that it has not only been unhealthy but also in many ways debilitating, much like substance-related addictions.
As defined in the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition Text Revision (DSM-5-TR, which is considered as the bible of mental health), substance related disorders encompass 10 separate classes of drug, including depressants such as alcohol, stimulants such as cocaine, and other drugs like opioids. If I swap the substances with how I chase professional accomplishments with excessive workaholism, it becomes clear that I may have what I call Achievement Addictive Disorder (AAD). As a person who devotes almost everything in pursuing so-called success, I have put other areas of my life in jeopardy and only recently began to realize the pathological nature of this behavior. Below I present myself as a case study of AAD, with the intention to raise awareness of an issue that is too often overlooked in our work culture. An important note here is that this disorder, like many other mental illnesses, is not necessarily binary (either you have it or not) but rather dimensional: everyone is on a spectrum with variance in degrees.
The diagnosis follows the same criteria on substance related disorder in DSM, which can be bucketed into three categories:
I. Large amount
- Using larger amounts or for longer time than intended
Starting from my graduate school at Carnegie Mellon and throughout my career in the tech industry as an engineer, entrepreneur and product leader, I have been constantly working for long hours. If you ask me how many hours I work every week; the truth is that I don’t count it. For most of the last ten years, I was working whenever I could find time.
- Persistent desire or unsuccessful attempts to cut down or control use
This is an important criteria for any addictive disorder, in that the person has an intention to change their habit but fails to do so. Yes, I am enthusiastic about the work itself. It was intellectually challenging and I have a strong sense of community contribution. However, when the hour becomes grueling, enthusiasm fades and the unconscious momentum keeps the wheel rolling. Work began to take its toll on me, and I have had multiple times that my physical, emotional and relational life got into big problems; however, I still was not able to cut back on the time and energy I put into work.
- Great deal of time obtaining, using(in this case, working), or recovering
People with substance related disorders find their lives circling around the substance, from obtaining, using and recovering. I found myself revolving around professional achievement. If I’m not overworking, I’ll be recovering from the suffering of overwork. In some rare intermissions, I’m busy setting up the next ambitious goal to overwork towards.
Up until this point in the list of symptoms, it could still seem “normal” in our intense work culture, especially in the tech industry. However, it does not justify the unhealthy nature of overworking. You might say, working hard is a merit, why would you pathologize the positive work ethics rather than promote it? Yes, when you have too much of a good thing, it starts to create more serious troubles. Let’s take a look at the rest of the symptoms.
II. Distress
- Use despite physical or psychological problems caused by use
Over the years, my physical and mental wellness troubles started to occur more frequently. Stress caused pain in the body, stomachaches and headaches, as well as sleeping problems. Occasional burnouts crushed my mental health. However, they did not prompt me to change my overworking patterns. In fact, I began to see work as a remedy, which seems to be effective in numbing myself, at least temporarily. As long as I indulge in the work and get the achievement I wanted, I don’t have to face those problems directly.
- Craving
People with addictive disorders have this chronic craving to use the substance. I would consider this feeling too familiar as I crave working when I’m not. I’m available on chat/slack 24/7; I seep into the home office when kids are not around during the weekend. Even when walking my dog, I can’t stand still in the park without checking my work email on the phone. Initially craving is targeted towards the final outcome for an achievement, you really look for the feeling of attaining that success. Naturally that craving gets transformed to work itself that you forgot the goalpost from time to time. You simply don’t feel yourself if you are not working.
- Tolerance
Earlier in a person’s career, success seeking is a positive reinforcement. I get better at my work, and I obtain more achievements. I proved myself that I could be a great engineer in Silicon Valley, then I started my own company and achieved profitability with millions of dollars of revenue. It all feels good until you get used to it. Gradually and unconsciously, you up your game. I had to start a second company to be greater, raising more funding from more prominent VCs. Before long you start to play in higher and higher leagues. I went on to prove that I could be a great product manager in prestige tech companies, building teams and launching coolest AI products. Certain achievements you would be dreaming about just a few years ago don’t feel exciting any more. You develop tolerance. The only way of gaining more satisfaction is to work harder and to achieve more success. Happiness is fleeting and unguaranteed; stress and dissatisfaction is the constant.
- Withdrawal
Withdrawal syndromes in substance abuse disorders can be found when a person stopped or reduced the use for a prolonged period. They would feel anxious, agitated, or unease, all the way to more serious psychological or physiological symptoms. I found myself in similar mode when I’m not working on accomplishment related activities or finding myself lacking forward momentum for some prolonged period of time. My mood would get very low, sometimes with emotional disturbance. And then the craving kicks in, which starts another cycle.
Reflecting on my journey in developing this disorder, I had a lot of the above symptoms earlier in my career. They also seem to be on a very personal level. Even though I had the subconscious idea that something was not right, the problems were still constrained to myself. I was very young, and no matter what I could push forward with my energy and willpower. Things started to really go south when other parts of my life broke apart.
III. Dysfunction (in other areas of life)
- Fail to fulfill major roles in other areas of life
During the years of building my two startups, I became a father of two young kids. In my twenties, I heard people caution that raising kids is a lot of hard work. Oh yes of course, I love hard work. Boy, I was so naive. The burden of running startups and being a parent really brought me to my knees. Unfortunately, being the kind of addict I was, I could not allow myself to drop the balls at work. Majority of the kids’ duty fell on my wife who also had a booming career. The family dynamics were a mess and I was in constant self-blame in not being the husband and father I always wanted to be.
- Persistent social or interpersonal problems caused by use, with important activities given up or reduced
When my workaholism is in overdrive, everything else gets moved to the back burner. In retrospection, during the months that work stress took over me emotionally, I was indeed like a walking zombie at home. None of my friends would see me for a prolonged period of time because I was either working or sleeping. There was no weekday or weekend, not even day or night.
Over-enthusiasm, over-work and intense suffering. After cycling through this familiar and vicious pattern for more than a decade, at the wake of another burnout, I suddenly came to realize that this was not only unhealthy and counterproductive but also the root cause of so many of my life problems. I could not not change. Over the last two years, I embarked on a long journey to come off this addiction. In the next post, I’ll share some key learnings from my recovery and how past sufferings could become the foundation for a more fulfilling life going forward.
