I have a particularly busy mind, which does a lot of self-talk. For many years, I thought it is one of the key reasons that I have achieved certain things in my work and life. I was very glad that my self-talk contributed to my growth, and I took its voice very seriously. I felt fortunate to have a powerful companion in my own head, and consulted it all day long.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
A few years ago, I found that my self-talk seemed to ebb and flow correlating to my fluctuating stress levels. I started to examine deeply what really happens in my mind; and was surprised to find out that the majority of the self-talk is not only wasteful but also harmful. Unconsciously, the content was full of negative judgements on myself, others and any situation I face. It also contains repeating reinforcement of my existing beliefs, self-doubt and blame, as well as tons of ruminating worry about the unknown future. If it is contributing to anything, it is more to my stress and anxiety than to my wellbeing. I also came to realize that almost everyone does this unproductive self-talk more often than they would like. Especially when we’re facing challenging situations or experiencing difficult emotions, these voices get louder and very few of them would turn out to be constructive, not to mention help us grow.
My goal is to be able to get out of my self-talk, especially when it starts to ruminate and gets stuck in a negative loop, and to refocus my energy on constructive actions with a more clear mind. Unconsciously, when the voice in my head gets louder and noisier, guess what I do? Yes, I do more self-talk. It’s not unlike a computer application that runs on overdrive, taking up more and more chunks of the CPU, memory and network resources, but not producing much useful output.
However, as a mental habit that I formed way earlier in my life, I found it extremely hard to unlearn. We as humans have very limited capacity to radically transform thinking through our own self-talk. With this awareness, I started to view my self-talk as an addiction and I took my recovery seriously. I tried almost all methods, and here are a few that I want to highlight in this post. I’d like to clarify that these methods are not generalized wellness tips or suggestions; instead they are targeted to solve the specific problems of self-talk. They proved to work very well for me; but every brain works differently, so your mileage might vary.
Writing (the right kind of words)
When you put your thoughts down on paper or computer in a self-reflective way, the act has a special effect on brain functioning. The key here is to be honest, transparent, and diligent in reflecting very deep into your thoughts and emotions in your writing. When your self-talk starts to ruminate, it’s like running in a traffic circle. Writing provides an offramp that guides the thoughts out of the loop. The first effect is it offloads the burden on the mind, like freeing up the computing resource that the self-talk program has been taking up.
Secondly, it also serves to enable you to observe and process the content in your mind. When you are wearing a hat on your head, you can’t see what the hat looks like, until you take it down. Similarly, when your thoughts are running in overdrive in your head, you can’t clearly observe what they are, until you get them out.
Pros: Flexible with little restriction. No cost, and self-paced treatment.
Cons: Not everyone has a habit of writing or enjoys doing it. It takes practice to master the type of writing that works for you. It also costs quite some time to do it, and needs self-discipline to take effect.
Reading (the right kind of books)
When I was in the middle of a self-talk episode, I found reading to be of good relief. The type of book is the key in its effect on healing. I used to like fiction but they are not helpful to me in treating self-talk. Reading fiction, in its effect on my brain, is like watching movies or TV shows. It gets my brain fully distracted on something else, but only temporarily. After I put down the book or turn off the TV, the self-talk comes back with full energy, as if it just took a nice break. A good type of books to combat self-talk would be non-fiction that is tangentially related to the trouble that is bothering you. For example, when I was contemplating my career transition a few years ago, I found Arthur Brooks’ book From Strength to Strength very inspiring and it helped me sort through some conflicting thoughts. The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary gave me the awareness to get out of my parenting struggles. It really depends on the problem you’re working on so there is no rule in exactly what book would help you.
Pro tip: Ask ChatGPT/Gemini for book recommendations by sharing some of your reflective writing could turn out to be useful.
Pros: Flexible with little restriction. Low cost, and self-paced treatment.
Cons: Finding the right kind of books that fit your needs could be hard. Benefits may not be immediate or directly observable.
Talking (with the right kind of person)
Ok, let’s be honest, transforming our thinking is hard. Even though we do have quite some methods to help ourselves, often we don’t change well on our own. As Daniel Kahneman said in his book Thinking, Fast and Slow, we resist self-exploration especially when emotions are involved. To stop the adverse patterns in our self-talk, someone outside our head needs to disrupt our thinking by reflecting our thoughts back to us and asking questions that prompt us to wonder why we think the way we do. Talking with someone such as a coach serves this purpose. An effective conversation should involve reflective statements and thought-provoking questions that enable us to see our concocted stories as if they were laid out in front of us in a book to be read and analyzed.
The key is to choose the right kind of person to have this conversation. As I mentioned in a previous post, a friend could help in some cases but usually they are not effective in dealing with your self-talk. In my personal experience, having these types of conversations made the most long-lasting changes in my relationship with my own mind.
Pros: Powerful and effective, with long-term benefits of growth. Personalized solution.
Cons: Finding the right person who fits your needs and can adopt the coaching method. Associated cost and less flexibility.
In essence, when our self-talk stops serving us constructively and becomes a mental burden, we need to redirect and expand our mind. Adults need this help as much as children do, and sometimes more. As we age, we become more rigid in our thinking. We become masters at rationalizing our actions, ignoring our emotions, and finding what confirms our beliefs. As a self-talk addict in recovery, I tried and collected a full array of tools to be useful and effective in treating different types of issues. Apart from the above, I’ll share more in future posts about the effects of meditation, physical exercises on mental wellness. Stay tuned.
